maudite_a_deux: (Mr. K)
[livejournal.com profile] wo_xi_huan inspired me to post this drabble. I originally posted it to talk.bizarre in 1999, but I've always been rather fond of it, and reading a similarily peculiar character name made me think of it again.

The Unauthorized Biography of Avogadro Remoulade
or Where I Got My Username


Jim's been a real pain in the ass ever since he changed his name. I don't know what gave him the idea, but he's started calling himself 'Avogadro Remoulade'. Can you fucking believe it? Anyway, no one who actually knows him bothers to call him that, which really pisses him off, but it works out pretty well for us -- makes it that much easier to spot the lame-ass hangers-on.

There's this chick, can't be more than 17, who's always with him these days. She goes by 'Maudite', which I guess she decided would go well with 'Remoulade' while she was writing their names together over and over in her notebook instead of paying attention in class.

Naturally, she calls him Avogadro. She also calls herself his girlfriend, but he says he just sleeps with her because it's easier than getting rid of her, and that he only really loves me. Uh-huh, sure. I told him to get over it, but he says he's patient. And hey, I guess it's probably a lot easier to hold out if you have a skanky 17-year-old to fuck while you wait.

He's got a day job now, driving a casket delivery truck. If anyone ever had the right look for that job, it's Jim. Maudite rides along with him a lot. One of these days, they're going to get caught doing something unbecoming an officer and a gentleman (or even a casket deliveryman) in the back of that truck.

I have to admit, though, you can't get a whole lot closer to that classic rock 'n roll lifestyle than fucking an underage groupie in the back of a truck full of caskets. At least not without actually being Keith Richards. It's going to look great in his unauthorized biography. And I guarantee you, if he ever actually does get famous, I'll sell out in a heartbeat. I figure I deserve to get some benefit out of all the bullshit I've taken from him.

And don't start in again with that shit about how if I really didn't like him, I wouldn't talk about him so much. He's just, I don't know, colorful. It's not like I have anything more interesting to gossip about, unless you want to hear all about the new admin's skin condition. (Lord knows I have.)




Before you ask, Maudite isn't based on me at all. (Far from it -- when I was 17, I had my own groupies, ta very much. They weren't good groupies, but dammit, they were mine!) I took my username from the character when I was looking for a suitably peculiar username for my writing LJ. It's also, not so coincidentally, the name of a very fine beer from Quebec, and means something like 'damned' in French. It seemed appropriate somehow.

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November 2009

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