maudite_a_deux: (Default)
OK, it's bad enough that in fanfic people are constantly biting their (and sometimes each other's) lips until they bleed, but what the hell is with the biting the ear/neck/nipple until it bleeds? How often have you actually done that? Did your partner appreciate it?

I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO.

Yes, I realize I do a lot of bitching for someone who can't write decent fiction, but trust me, I've been around the block enough times to know that unless you're vampires, biting till you draw blood is not generally appreciated.

In conclusion, drawing blood != sexy. You've been a lovely audience. Thank you and good night.
maudite_a_deux: (stunned monkey)
The serial comma is so called because it involves a series or list. For example, "Eggs, bacon, toast and jam." You see how you leave that last comma out? That's the serial comma at work. (Some people believe you shouldn't leave that comma out. That's okay too. Opinions vary. Just pick one and be consistent.)

Serial commas do not mean that you have to leave off the last comma in any sentence that has more than one. For example, "The writer, who really ought to have known better left out the second comma in this sentence because she doesn't understand serial commas." For extra credit, tell me where the second comma belonged, and where a third might arguably, though not necessarily, have been inserted.

You think I'm not serious? I (and I will note here that I got kicked out of high school, albeit for errors other than grammatical) once vetoed the hiring of a former English teacher as a tech writer because she didn't understand serial commas. And boy, was she pissed! She kept calling me until I finally gave in and told her, "There was some misuse of punctuation on your resume."

She not only refused to believe me, she didn't even call me on the passive voice, which is the kiss of death in technical writing. PWNED!

I am not, by any means, a paragon of grammatical perfection. I loves me some split infinitives, I sometimes end sentences with prepositions, and I'm kind of vague when it comes to defining the more esoteric parts of speech. This is all the more reason to take my words to heart. If I know better, anyone ought to. Last grade completed: 10th. SRSLY. Set your bar higher than me.
maudite_a_deux: (damn fangirls!)
More stuff I hate:
  • Fics set in Japan where all the OCs have Western names like Taylor and Amber.
  • Songfics. Period. But especially when there are more song lyrics than story.
  • Summaries that proudly proclaim that the characters are all OOC. What's the point?
  • Fics where character names are written as they were phonetically pronounced by some Japanese voice actor rather than the way they're actually spelled. I mean, I can even sort of forgive Raito, but Edo and Aru are infinitely obnoxious, and K as 'Crawd Winchester'? Ow, my head.
  • Sex scenes that start out fine, and then suddenly have a jarringly bad phrase that ruins it completely. Like, for instance, "She felt a lump against her bum."
In conclusion, not only is 'arousal' still not a body part, neither is 'excitement'.

You know, "The Bum Lumps" wouldn't be a bad band name.

Okay, yes it would. It would be a terrible band name.
maudite_a_deux: (Bitches)
If I ever see the phrase "the blonde banged boy" again, I'm going to do... something rash.

Christ, people, why can't you just use the characters' names? It's much less obtrusive than the desperately strained phrases you come up with trying to avoid repeating the name. Really. Honest. I can produce published authors who will tell you the same thing.
maudite_a_deux: (Your mother dresses you funny)
Dear Fandom:

'Discrete' is NOT a fancy way to spell 'discreet'. It means something completely different. Indeed, the two terms are entirely discrete (separate, distinct) from each other. When you mean 'circumspect' or 'subtle' or 'keeping your mouth the hell shut', you mean 'discreet'. Please stop confusing the two, before I am forced to go on a highly indiscreet tri-state shooting spree.

In other news, 'indiscriminate' behavior might lead to an 'indiscretion', but there is no such thing as an 'indiscrimination'.

In conclusion, 'arousal': STILL NOT A BODY PART.

Oh, fuck it, I think it's time to post my File O Hilarity.

Sour notes

Feb. 29th, 2008 07:42 am
maudite_a_deux: (Bitches)
First order of business: [livejournal.com profile] beautifulfic, I owe you an email and I haven't had the juice to type up the several pages of notes I took while waiting for an excruciatingly long print job at work. I will eventually get to it, and thank you hugely for offering to let me bounce things off you.

Next: Something else that's been jarring me lately when I read fanfic is how often I see taciturn, tough-guy characters suddenly turn around and start referring to their partner as "love" or "baby". This is not something that comes so quickly -- if ever -- in real life when you're dealing with this sort of character, particularly the strong, silent type.

Maybe I'm just projecting; while I'm not the strong, silent type, I do suffer from an excess of pride and serious intimacy issues. The point being that it takes me months, if not years, of being in a very close relationship before I'll use any kind of pet name with anybody, and even then it's not "baby" or "love" or "sweetie". (Those names are reserved for my cats, with whom I have no shame.) I call my partners by name. I'm too concerned with my dignity to say anything I consider "cutesy". Cute bugs me. I'll call people "baby" in a joking way, but it's usually dripping with sarcasm.

The point being that people like, say, Aya, Crawford, Kanda, Mori, Kyouya, Satoshi, Touya, etc., really shouldn't suddenly turn into Mr. Romance just because they had buttsecks a few times. Even getting any of these guys to admit they like someone would be a real chore. It's going to take a while before they're comfortable enough to talk about their feelings. In some cases, they may *never* actually admit to it. And that's a lot of the fun of writing characters like this.

Which is not to say none of these characters could have a romantic side. They might make romantic gestures out of the blue -- even really grand ones -- before they're able to actually come out and say how they feel. I can see Aya quietly filling a room with lit candles and flowers and then trying to act like nothing's out of the ordinary -- but I can't see him calling anyone "baby".

Anyway. Yeah. I think about this stuff way too damn much.

On that note, if anyone's looking for a beta for oneshots or shortfic, let me know. I write for a living (technical writing), and while I'm not much of a fiction writer, I can edit fiction like nobody's business. I'm very thorough, I have magic typo radar, and while I'm excellent with grammar and such, I work with the style of the writer. Flow is more important than perfect grammar. Clunky sentences are something up with which I shall not put. I'll also comment on continuity, characterization, etc. as much as seems reasonable. And! I'll be nice about it! (But not *too* nice.)

I don't have the bandwidth to take on anything too long right now, but I'll gladly do oneshots or shortfic, even if I'm not familiar with the fandom.

And lastly: Everybody but me is in love with "Bump Of Chicken", but I find them unlistenable because the lead singer is always just a tiny bit flat. I have perfect pitch, and it makes my teeth ache.

Most of the songs don't seem all that strong to me, either, but it's a little hard for me to tell when I can only listen a few seconds into the vocals. I tried, I really did. I've listened to a bunch of their songs now... 30 seconds or so of them, anyway. I just can't get through them.

You may feel free to bludgeon me now.
maudite_a_deux: (Beelzenef)
I have these opinions, see. They're irrelevant to anyone else, but sometimes I just have to spew them anyway. I'll probably manage to offend at least one person on my friendslist with this, but I'm tired and cranky and feel like venting, so.

  • Near is asexual. I absolutely cannot picture Near in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship. It's not even because he's obviously autistic, because I know a couple of autistic people who are in relationships. He's just 100% obsessed with two things: solving cases and playing with toys. He hasn't got the interest or time for anything else. He's also not emotionally adult enough for a relationship. Which is not to say that Mello or Matt are emotional adults either, but they're a hell of a lot closer than Near is.

  • Akabane doesn't deserve a happy ending. I realize he's a fascinating character, but honestly, people, he's a psychopathic killer who shoots scalpels out of his body. He's not capable of a caring relationship; by definition, psychopaths (and yes, he really, really is one, really, I don't care how hot you think he is) are not capable of caring about anyone but themselves. If Akabane got emotionally or sexually involved with someone, it would be a purely egotistical and/or manipulative thing on his part. Every time I see a story where he has a cute kitty and he snuggles with Ginji, it makes me grind my teeth.

  • K/Sakano: just say no. In fact, anybody/Sakano is just plain a bad idea. Sakano is a comic relief character. He has no actual substance. You'd have to write a hell of a convincing backstory to make him anything but annoying, and there's nothing about him that interests me enough that I'd want to read such a backstory if it were written. I love obscure side characters and odd pairings as much as the next girl, possibly more, but I just don't see the value in Sakano.

  • Aya is not a weepy uke. And I'm infinitely sick of seeing him portrayed as some kind of idiotic sexbot who'll do anything with anybody Just To Kill The Pain. Aya is proud and prickly and self-contained. If he were to have casual sex (which I think is unlikely), it would most definitely involve him very consciously using his partners; regardless of whether he was top or bottom, he'd be very much the dominant partner. And I can think of no circumstances that would get him into bed with any member of Schwarz. No, not even as part of a mission. Aya would never accept such a mission in the first place. His sister is the only thing in the world that ranks higher than his personal dignity, and that's a very near thing. I don't think he'd whore himself out even for Aya-chan. Unless your U is very, very A.

  • Al/Hawkeye: don't make me laugh. I don't know what else to say about this one, really -- I just find it utterly insupportable.

Once again, these opinions are endorsed by nobody but me, and nobody actually listens to me anyway. I just felt like spewing. But now it's past my bedtime. Anon.

P.S.

Dec. 24th, 2006 10:39 pm
maudite_a_deux: (Default)
If I never see the words "pre-cum" again, it will be too goddamn soon.
maudite_a_deux: (get away from me)
I love reading fanfic. Really, I do. And I love that people write it, because everyone should at least try to translate their imagination into words on paper (or screens). It takes a lot of guts to put your writing out there for others to read -- perhaps one percent of mine ever makes it that far.

As someone who writes professionally (albeit not fiction), I make an effort to be tolerant of less-than-perfect writing, because I think the most important thing is that you put it out there; after all, your writing won't improve much if you don't get outside opinions on it.

Still, sometimes I feel moved to make a list of stuff that gets on my nerves. Since nobody actually reads this lj, it won't do any good to post it, but I'm going to anyway. So there.

herewith i present: )
maudite_a_deux: (Default)
I posted this rant to my other lj a while ago. I'd meant to post a link here, but I never got round to it, so here it is.
maudite_a_deux: (Default)
Why isn't there more Bill/Hermione fic out there? It makes all sorts of sense -- Bill being a cursebreaker and all, and Hermione being so very fond of research. It's easy to imagine her going to Egypt post-Hogwarts to investigate the roots of modern magic, and surely if she were there anyway, Bill would find her knowledge a useful resource on occasion. And what's more tempting, honestly, than the handsome, intrepid older brother of your best friend?

I mean, other than hot, sweaty Quidditch players.

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