maudite_a_deux | my wish list for fanfic writers

I love reading fanfic. Really, I do. And I love that people write it, because everyone should at least try to translate their imagination into words on paper (or screens). It takes a lot of guts to put your writing out there for others to read -- perhaps one percent of mine ever makes it that far.

As someone who writes professionally (albeit not fiction), I make an effort to be tolerant of less-than-perfect writing, because I think the most important thing is that you put it out there; after all, your writing won't improve much if you don't get outside opinions on it.

Still, sometimes I feel moved to make a list of stuff that gets on my nerves. Since nobody actually reads this lj, it won't do any good to post it, but I'm going to anyway. So there.

Maudite's Fanfic Peeves
Vol. 1

That's my name, don't wear it out:
In real life, how often do you actually use someone's name when you're talking to them? Not very often, I'm guessing. But in an awful lot of fanfics, characters seem to toss each other's names around like they're going out of style.

It's an easy mistake to make, especially if you really like the characters' names. I catch myself doing it all the time. But it's also an easy one to avoid. To see if you're doing it, just pull all the dialogue out of a scene, ignoring everything else, and see if it reads like this (culprit unnamed for her own protection):
“Mustang…”

“Come Elric, tell me in my office.”

“God Damnit Roy, What am I going to do?”

“Ed…You could stay… I am not saying that you can’t resign but… in all honesty Full metal I want you here, where else would you go if not to me? Please Edward… stay with me…”

“Envy has taken everything from me Roy, if you think I will let him live with that satisfaction then you are some bastard Mustang.”

And yes, that's all consecutive lines of dialogue, taking place in the same scene, between the same two characters. It's an especially egregious example because not only do they use each other's names every time they speak, they often use multiple versions of the other's name in the same sentence.

Does this read like a real conversation to you? If you were talking to someone, would it ever sound like this?
"John, will you take out the trash, Smith?"

"Okay, Doe, but just this once, Pookie, because it's actually your turn, Jane."

I rest my case.

The spellchecker is not your friend:
Spellcheckers are a good thing. I have an uncanny knack for spelling, and even I use a spellchecker -- we all make typos, after all, and it's just good practice to run a spellcheck before submitting a final draft of your writing.

Unfortunately, all too often people seem to put more faith in spellcheckers than is actually warranted. The spellchecker in MSWord is especially insidious, because when it catches a word that has a homophone, it asks if you really meant a different spelling of the word. It looks like it's caught an error, when in fact it's just telling you to make sure you're using the right one.

Another common spellcheck mistake happens when two words share a root or otherwise have a lot of letters in common, and the writer unthinkingly accepts the first suggested replacement without verifying that it's the right word. Sometimes the results are hilarious, mind you; I've seen 'esophagus' substituted for 'sarcophagus', and just this morning I ran across a story titled "Braking the Silence."

This is why, unless you know the spellchecker is right, you should double-check with a dictionary.

While I'm at it, a brief note about using the thesaurus: synonyms don't always mean quite the same thing, so it's a good idea to look those up before using them, too. You want to make sure the sense of the word (and its common usage) is what you intend... otherwise you might end up with, say, a cellphone ejaculating its battery across the room... which I suspect isn't quite the mental picture the writer meant to evoke.

Arousal, still not a body part:
I've said it before, I'll say it again: 'arousal' is a physical state, not a part of the body. Thus you can feel someone's arousal, but it will not spring forth when they unzip.

That thing that springs forth? It's called a penis. Cock. Dick. Prick. Shaft. Whatever works for you. But arousal? Not something you can wrap your hand around. You feel someone's arousal by noticing that their penis/cock/dick/prick/shaft/winkie/love torpedo is hard/erect/throbbing/engorged/swollen/quivering (but never, for the love of all that's unholy, ever 'turgid').

Other things that are not body parts include passion, excitement, and tumescence.